helcat:
OK. Have a look here and you will see mention of the HSBC 3 strikes and out policy...
http://www.moneymadeclear.fsa.gov.uk/pdfs/bank_accounts.pdf
Try to do what you want to do and don't be intimidated. Most Direct Debits are easy to transfer with a telephone call. You say "each and every one of the people" will need to be contacted. Is that really so difficult? Just how many Direct Debits have you got?
If in spite of being treated like sh*t by HSBC you'd still like to stay with them, instead of phoning a faceless person with no authority can you go into a branch and talk face to face. After all you want to talk about moving your savings and ISA, don't you?
Transferring most of your Direct Debits will be very easy. Most organisations use AUDDIS and its all done with a phone call. The hardest part is getting a new account open and funded either with savings or with your wages. For that reason I suggest doing the work yourself rather than letting the new bank do it for you (unless you can fund the new account first).
One suggestion, OK a little criticism, you say you "manage" you account online but you ended up with Direct Debits on the same day as the account was funded. I don't call that managing. When/if setting up new Direct Debits ask for a collection date a good few clear days after your wages date so that this doesn't happen again.
If your Halifax cash card account is an Easycash account that's a perfectly good basic bank account which handles direct debits and standing orders and unlike the HSBC account lets you get hold of your money in any Link ATM. (Though that might not be a good thing).