Dear experts I thought long and hard about posting this problem and I do expect some replies that may be forthright and blunt- guess I need it -to say my emotions are all over the place is an underestimation!

My stepdaughter has a love hate relationship with the father of her 2 children, our grandchildren who we love to death. She is not blameless in all this 50/50 but after the initial split with him we spent over 5k getting her furniture and settled into a tenancy of which I'm the Guarentor. Until a few weeks ago we had a civil relationship and as she is on all the DHSS benefits she can we do help out with the occassional shop and certainly get the grandchildren most of what they need. We have tactfully offered to babysit whilst she looked for a part time job or do courses she has never worked and is at best ambivilent to it - a very relaxed attitude self, self, self.

We have discovered that he has since moved in with her, hence breaking the terms of the tenancy, the landlord doesn't know and we have tried to explain how much of a risk she is running which will have longterm effects on her benefits criminal record and basic trustworthiness! she pays lip service to all this and to be frank it's getting both myself and wife down. We don't want to see the grandchildren suffer and think it's a matter of time before the situation implodes.

She has been very rude and says no one will find out and the children benefit from seeing the father although we know her standards of cleanliness and obviously her tight budgetting has vanished. The father does nothing and contributes nothing but Hey ho the children are happy!. They are well and fed and love coming to see us. He says the children love him there and he will move in good time, he has no where to go etc - Him and me have nearly come to blows on this!

What can I do? I want him out -barely want her near me- and I feel any action I take either legally or via how shall I put it forcibly will whatever course of action I/we take will have massive longterm effects.

God I do feel that I'm a bl**** idiot but what drives me/my wife is the care of the bairns. Please any suggestions, any at all please tell me. I can't get much lower so be as blunt as necessary. I'm sorry if you feel I wasting your time but any replies would be useful. I can't see any painless end to this.

In grateful anticipation,

Paul

"Grand children" are the reward for not killing your own children.

As much as that is a comedy phrase there is alot of truth to it.

Ok, Your daughter is a grown up. She will only learn from her own mistakes. If anything like me?.....as a daughter, stubborn and thraun! ......and as a parent myself!...I am thanked for very little.

My advice would be to mind your own business. As harsh as that may sound, the last thing your daughter needs is grief comming from all angles. She sees herself as a grown up not a young girl and you need to start treating her as such.

Now comes the good bit.

Dont pass judgement. Be there for her but only if she askes for it.

Take a step back and you will become closer. She will have a slight fear from you and will shy away from you when things get tough if you keep on at her. (no one likes to here the "I told you so"...)

Let her get on with it. Advice can only be given when asked for. When not asked for, it is called nagging.

Bet you never thought you could love someone as much as your grand children. Put all your energy into them. Not your daughter.

A fresh start! |Just tell her you love her and that she knows where you are if she needs you both.

Dont be afraid to say no when it comes to money. She needs to stand on her own two feet.

Thank you Mr Big definately food for thought, lots to think about thanks for the guidance yes we adore the grandchildren never thought I could love them so much LOL.

Have a lovely afternoon,

Paul

Just a further query experts, Mr Big has covered, very well, the emotional side. However if the situation implodes and the tenancy is revoked I guess the landlord will come to me, retain the bond and further more charge me for any rent due and damage?

Also where would that leave my stepdaughter, would she get emergency housing?could she or wouls she lose her benefits? she has not taken my advice to register for 'Council Housing'.

Thank you

Paul

Hi everyone,

Wondered if anyone has any further input?

Regards,

Paul

Hi --- Paul --Trying to leave the emotional turmoil to one side completely and being cool and calculating, I will try to help you out with the legal side as much as possible.

1) Obviously we all understand that you cannot put an old head on young shoulders and your step-daughter is running the gauntlet here as far as being caught out as a benefit cheat goes, until she realises the risks and the implications of being caught and facing having convictions of fraud and dishonesty on her record, she will simply shrug it off like an Ostrich with head in sand....so as hard as it may seem, you will have to let her find out the hard way herself or hope that she continues to get away with it.

2) As far as the Guarantor agreement goes, you are held fully liable for anything in the agreement that your step-daughter defaults on, consider that agreement, "your own" unless she is in a position to honour it. ! (sounds very unlikely).

3) If the landlord finds out about the tenancy agreement being broken, which he will, then that depends on what kind of a person he is....some don't care as long as they get their money.....some take the moral high ground and report it, so that is down to your judgement of his personality and what sort of a person you think he is. ? Although if there are noisy domestic disputes or complaints he will hardly want or feel the need to tolerate the disturbances and enforce the agreement by bringing it to an end.

4) Once/if your SD is found out and the tenancy is revoked or her payments stopped then she will have to convince the authorities that all co-habitation has stopped or is unlikely to commence again, before they will feel they have a legal duty to continue payments or rehouse her and the children and reinstate her benefits again, or at least be satisfied that her partner is not contributing to her upkeep in any means or form.

5) Emergency housing is all it implies, the minimum they have to provide by law.... if the authority have to resort to the use of that because she is unable to stay put, then that could be B&B in an undesirable building or tatty housing in a squalid area, perhaps explaining that to her might help make her alter her dangerous path.

Hope that helps a little bit, although as long as the kids seem happy and are looked after properly, as hard as it is to say, "don't worry".....try not to dwell too much on it, all you can do is let her live and learn until the day she realises what she is doing is wrong, either hopefully soon enough..... or sadly too late. !!!

It's the childrens happiness and well being that is the paramount concern as you have stated and as long as you feel they are being treated correctly, do nothing, if you feel they aren't then tell her you will report the problem yourself, and be prepared to do so.....but whatever happens don't be tempted to take the law into your own hands and punch him first, tempting as it may be.

Thank you dearly CMK,

We all have better thinks to do this lovely saturday evening and I appreciate your sound and well presented input. Well at least I know what we could expect! Thank you so much and God! I pray I don't have to face the 'fallout'. Guess I'll best put this subject 'to bed for the while'. Thank you everyone for checking the post out. Right best get back to seeing if I can offer advice to others.

Have a canny weekend all and especially to Mr Big & CMK!

Paul